never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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