Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
