sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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