Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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