the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
