You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
