kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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