Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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