You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
