i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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