he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
