I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
