Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
