Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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