You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
