worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
