I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
