Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
