Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
