My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
