Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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