I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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