sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
