I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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