tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
