Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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