I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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