M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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