Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
