How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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