I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
