He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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