I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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