Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
