Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
