Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
