remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
