how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
