it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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