M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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