He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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