so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
