Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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