When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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