At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
