I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's always time for handjobs
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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