I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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