I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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