I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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