I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
