I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
