A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
