so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Pants are for mortals
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
