It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
