her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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