I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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