I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
