I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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