I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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