I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
