Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
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Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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