Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
